An Ode to the New Year

I miss you so fucking much I can’t stand it  I want you to come back  Please come back  I can’t write any more pretty words to you, I don’t have any more  I’m desperate  I just want to crawl on my knees and beg  I don’t even care how this looks  I don’t even care what kind of crazy this is

I can’t find you  You’re out there and I can’t get to you and I’m gonna die waiting on you  I don’t want to die waiting on you  What if I die before I get to talk to you again?  Oh my god  That’s so fucking tragic  Me and you   We were something  We were something different than has ever been before  You have to know that  I know you know that  You felt it too  Do you still?  You don’t know me, you didn’t give me a chance  You have no idea how deeply I can love  You can’t even comprehend the love I’ve kept stored in my heart

I waited a whole lifetime for you  Nobody else

I want to run to you and wrap my legs around your waist and bury my face in your neck and cry all the tears I’ve cried for you since you’ve been gone and all the tears I haven’t cried for you since you’ve been gone because some days I tell myself you’re coming back and I get stupid happy when I believe that so the tears stay inside on those days.  I want to ugly cry all over your stupid sweater until it’s ruined and you have to take it off and throw it on the floor and bring me a towel from the bathroom and drag it across my face and ball it up and put in my mouth because I’m on the verge of screaming and everyone will hear and you know I’ll be embarrassed so you try to muffle the sound of my anguish  I want my stomach to convulse so rapidly and with such force that I am bent doubled over until I fall to the floor and you scoop me up and sit me on the bed, your legs around me and your arms clenched tight around my stomach to keep my insides from escaping between convulsions.

You could have at least told me goodbye, goddammit  You could have at least said that  Why didn’t you say that?  Why did you just leave me here like this  You came in here and breathed all the life back inside my lifeless body until I was floating up there with you and then you just inhaled it all back into you and let me fall back to the ground while you floated on and on and on and away and away back into the nothing that was here before you but now I know you exist somewhere I can’t see so the nothing is unbearable now  I can’t exist in this nothing anymore and I wish sometimes I had never seen your rainbow because then my fucked up life would just be my own fucked up life and not this thing of broken beauty that was us


Come back now  Please What else can I do  How long will I have to suffer  Why do I have to suffer  What did I do  I don’t know what I did  Please tell me what I did  I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I think I love you

Happy New Year

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