Clarifying Post Script

I lied.

Clarifying Post Script Incoming:

It was New Year’s Day.  Wednesday morning.  All the company had left the day before.  The house was quiet.  Max and I had just returned from work.  I sat down to write to you because I hadn’t really had a chance to in the days before that.  Suddenly, I was overcome with sadness.  I can’t describe it any other way than just complete and utter desolation.  It was the beginning of a New Year.  I hadn’t talked to you since November 21.  I felt this hopelessness I haven’t felt before.  I’ve been sad but not hopeless.  You were lost to me.  I’ve been looking for you everywhere and I can’t find you anywhere and I don’t think I ever will and the reality of that was too much.

I started crying and then I just wrote whatever came out and hit ‘publish.’ I’m sorry.  I’m sorry if my words were harsh.  If those words hurt you, I will crawl across acres of burning coal to tell you I’m sorry.  It wasn’t my intention to lash out at you.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was drowning and I was desperate.  I am desperate.  But I am not mad.  Never, not once, have I been mad.  When I said, ‘you could have at least told me goodbye,goddammit,’ it wasn’t an admonishment, just a desperate plea.  Or at least, that’s what I thought.  I never want to hurt you and I never will. I would take the utmost care of your mind and your heart and your body if you would let me.  I wish you would let me.

I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing right now in this moment, you know in some tiny corner of your being that I’m over here thinking about you and sending you all the goodness I have inside me.

I hope it will be enough.

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