In Between Days

6 since I saw you
5 since I heard you
4 since I read you

6, 5, 4

4, 5, 6

Numbers. Time. Distance.

The other day there was a package on my doorstep.
I didn’t remember ordering anything.

I hoped it would be from you.

How absurd.
How silly.

How sad.

What do you suppose I thought might be in it?

A rabbits foot.
A song.
A poem.
A hope.
A dream.
Some piece of you
sent with love and care
all the way down here
to me.

I live inside my head most of the time. It’s wonderful and scary in there. There are hallways filled with rainbow flavored gummies that lead to cobweb covered corners where dreams pile up on top of each other until they’re oozing with the rot.

The rot.

I dwell in the rot for too many minutes of the day, I know,
but when I emerge…..
there is always a rainbow.

I don’t know how to not love you so I don’t even try.
I just let the thought of you wash over me whenever it wants to
and I don’t bother trying to stop it from consuming me
for however long it wants to hold me.

I wanted to be your best friend
your most insatiable lover
your wake up thought
your good night kiss
your coffee break smile
your dinner and a movie date
your RSVP plus one

Forever and a day.

Time.

There’s still time, she says.
My mom.
There’s still time for you, Stephanie.
You’re still young, Stephanie.
Anything can happen, Stephanie.

I know all of these things are true if you stand them up alone and by themselves. You can’t go piling them on top of each other, though. They don’t belong there all crowded in on each other with barely the room to breathe or stretch or claim their space.

Time.

Youth.

Yearning.

Those are wide open spaces inside which all the life you will ever live is confined forever in tiny time capsules buried sixteen feet below the deepest part of the ocean and you will never remember the coordinates or which sea to sail to get back to them.

They are as lost to you as yesterday.

They are as lost to me as you are now.

I loved you once
and so
I will love you forever.