How many days has it been now?
I’ve lost track.
YOU+ME=WE
YOU-WE=I
I-WE=YOU
I-YOU=END/FIN/FINALE/FINAL BOW/CURTAIN
That’s my attempt at solving the equation of an US that doesn’t exist anymore. I was never good at math anyway.
I ordered some stuff from this place called Stitch Fix. You give them your sizes and preferences and your “personal stylist” sends you some junk to try on and then you just keep what you like and send the rest back.
How utterly first-world of me.
Anwyay, I didn’t like any of them so I need to drop them in the mail. The only problem is, I don’t want to go to the post office.
It reminds me of you.
For the past year and a half of my life, the post office was the place I went to mail your goodies. To mail you little trinkets that represented my love. It brought me so much joy to send you things. You have no idea. I loved looking around for hours and days and weeks until I found just the thing for you.
I had a whole process.
It went like this:
- Thinking I’d think about what to get you first. Sometimes it would come to me immediately. Other times I’d mull it over for hours, days, weeks even. It really depended on how much time I had or how many clues I’d picked up from our conversations. Sometimes there were no clues at all. I had to get really creative then. But don’t worry! I loved that part. I loved thinking of things to gift you. It was one of the highlights of loving you. You really were so incredibly easy to shop for.
- Researching I spent a lot of time on this for most things. Reading all the reviews, combing through forums, asking google all kinds of questions, asking strangers on REDDIT for advice, putting things in my cart from companies I’d never heard of and would likely never shop at again. Waiting. Seeing if there was something better out there before I made the final purchase. I always wanted to get you the very best I could afford. I spent a lot of time setting a budget and then finding the very best thing within that budget. Of course, I wanted to get you the very best of everything I ever sent you but I was not always able to do that so I compromised and got you the very best I could afford. (Except for those whiskey glasses. I really thought they would be nicer and I’m sorry about that. If we were still together, I’d buy you some new ones someday down the road for an anniversary or birthday, maybe even real crystal ones. But, alas, that shall never come to pass and that makes me unbelievably sad).
- Execution. Once the thinking and researching were all done, it was time to buy. YIPPEE! A lot of times I just sent the gifts straight to your house from whatever company I had bought them from. I hated this method the most. It was so impersonal the way they just showed up on your doorstep in a box with a company logo on the front, stuffed all inside with no wrapping and no surprise at all. I hated that so much. I would have much preferred to have them sent to me so I could inspect them and wrap them and place them all in a box. But sometimes I waited too late to be able to do that and sometimes it would have been too expensive, like the giant pillow for your shoulder. EGADS! That would have cost a fortune. Also, the scotch. I learned the hard way that you can’t mail alcohol. **(And that’s how I also ended up with a bottle of Glenmorangie Signet. Only I haven’t opened mine and eventually had to hide it out of sight because every time I’d see it on the kitchen counter, I’d think of you and a wave of sadness would wash over me. I’m dealing with enough sadness waves already. They’re keeping me fully submerged).
- THE WAIT This part always brought me the best kind of anxiety. I loved getting my receipt with the tracking number and plugging it into my phone the next day to see where on the map my package of love was currently traveling on its way to you. I could hardly wait for it to arrive at your door.
You’d always fuss at me so gently:
“Get with the times, Stephanie Ann. It’s 2024. You don’t have to spend a million dollars sending me things through the USPS.”
I know, J. But I loved it so. It was such a simple thing but it made me so ridiculously happy.
I loved loving you.
I loved showing you in all the ways just how much l cared for you,
Mind Body Soul
I know it all seems so silly to you.
Maybe it will seem silly to me someday too.
I hope not.
I hope I never forget what it felt like to love you.
I find relief, release, in writing these words to you. They help center me when I am in the midst of a raging emotional storm. For a few minutes, maybe an hour, maybe longer, I am made whole.
But I am spent now and my heart is aching again.
Until next time
In Between Days 