Armies Unite!
I will tell you a secret.
It’s not a pretty secret and you probably won’t like it and will wish I’d never told you.
But I am a Diabolical Sunshine Soul Killer. There are legions of us and we are an army.
Being a Diabolical Sunshine Soul Killer, I can tell you right away that I don’t care about your sense and sensibilities because sometimes the truth is as raw as those oysters you eat every time you go down to the shore and promptly douse them in lemon juice and hot sauce (horseradish too if you’re lucky) so they slide easier down your thick throat, making them more palatable so you can proclaim they are a delicacy! A gelatinous blob of a delicacy, my gracious!
We douse our truths in so much bullshit
we forget that decay creates life.
That rot and shit and stink give birth.
From its putrid pit of dirt and feces,
new life is made.
And that’s the Truth.
And so the secret goes like this:
Depression looks like your Aunt Judy standing in the checkout line with a bag of oranges and a carton of milk.
Depression looks like your neighbor cutting his grass, stepping in dog poo and cursing loudly over the motor .
Depression is your mom cooking salmon patties on a Tuesday night in August and then watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead after you’ve gone to bed.
Depression is your sister, Carol, sending you a selfie of the new hair cut she got down at the Hair Barn on Sycamore for $29.95, which is a steal ya’ll, especially when the highfalutin places in the next town over charge 50 bucks just for a blow-out. Carol has had the same cut since 1982, though, and when you get the picture on your phone, you just sigh through your teeth and say “Bless Your Ever-Lovin’ Heart, Carol.”
Depression looks like dirty socks worn 5 days in a row and teeth that haven’t been brushed in a week. It looks like dewy skin and sparkling eyes and new sunglasses that sit perfectly on a button nose.
Depression doesn’t let you shower for weeks on end because it makes you hate your naked body.
Depression makes you shower 3 times a day because it makes you hate your filthy body.
Depression is Ben down at the Stop-N-Go who mops the floors too many times a day because the bitches in town always complain to the owner about the floor being dirty. As if they aren’t shopping for their weekly Miller Lite and Marlboro’s….shhhh don’t tell the ladies at the church…. in a goddamn convenience store on the edge of town that also sells Skoal by the sleeve and is patronized by cow-truck truckers who need to take giant shits before they “get on back down the road a-ways.”
Depression is your Aunt Martha,
your brother Conrad,
your sister Diane,
your co-worker Redd,
your friend since that 1975 school bus ride to middle school.
Depression is your sons,
daughters,
wives,
husbands,
friends,
mothers,
fathers,
your very own children
Depression is the lover who moaned into your mouth last night when she came, her legs wrapped around your waist, begging you to stay inside her and fill her up as if your dick in her pussy would fill the void in her mind too.
It discriminates against no one and doesn’t care who it poisons.
You are not immune to it.
There is no self-help book that will cure it.
There is no podcast that will dull it.
The sunshine and the grass can’t do it.
Walking four miles a day and killing yourself in the gym won’t do it.
Making money and having a boat won’t help it.
It is there, inside you, and it rots you from the inside out.
If you are lucky, you can keep it from killing you.
Happiness isn’t something you put on layaway down at the Wal-Mart and come back to pick up after you’ve eaten your oatmeal and taken your fiber and felt the sun on your face and the sand in your toes and given a year’s salary to your therapist in just six months and finally completed that degree you’ve been working on, all the while beating cancer and helping your middle-schooler find his place in the hell we send our children to year after year, hour after hour, all in the hopes that they will go out into the world and do some shit before they die.
“Hello there, Wal-Mart? Yes, this is Mr. Circum and I’ve come to collect my happiness. I’ve had it on layway back in the fabric department since March of ’82 and I’ve done all the things to achieve said happiness and I’d like to come pick it up now.”
“Yes, Mr. Circum, this is the Happiness Layaway Department at the Deerfield Walmart. I’m sorry to inform you sir, but we no longer have your layaway ticket. You see, all layaways that were made prior to 1994 were destroyed in the fire that year. Surely you remember? We lost a lot of inventory and were closed for months while we rebuilt, resulting in an almost catastrophic decline in sales, obviously. Of course, we also lost Rose or Rosemary or Rosie, I can’t remember her exact name, of course. But,I digress. Mr. Circum, would you like to initiate a new Happiness Plan that will be ready to collect in 30 years? Our interest rates are just gorgeous right now.”
If we can’t buy or make happiness, what is a person afflicted with Depression to do?
Taking drugs helps.
It’s not something anyone wants to hear but it doesn’t make the truth any less truthy just because people can’t handle the truth. That is the beauty of truth. It is always the truth. No matter what.
The other truth is that while drugs help, they don’t make you any less depressed on Tuesday than you were on Friday at 4 p.m. They just help you get through the day without having an existential crisis every 17 minutes and 32 seconds.
I suspect every Depressed person has their own way of managing their depression, just like every person receiving a death sentence manages their impending demise.
Maybe they collect flowers and put them in little jars around their house,
maybe they drink tea at 3:00 every afternoon in the backyard,
perhaps they knit tiny frogs in tiny clothes and sell them on Etsy,
or fart in jars and sell them on the internet to other depressed people who never actually open them for fear of the smell escaping forever, never to be captured again..
Or maybe they join an army.
One like the Diabolical Sunshine Soul Killers.
And they write through their darkness.
Because that is the only way they can find the light
And they don’t pretend to know if any of this they’ve written here today is actually true or not
But it is their truth.
And that has to count for something…..
Right?