Raining Baseballs And Other Things That Might Kill You

Guess what? I don’t have liver cancer (yeah, I actually thought I did). Well, at least the blood work came back normal for liver function so whether that means I’m in the clear or not, I don’t know. But it has at least quieted the demons in my head that are trying to kill me.

Although, last night I couldn’t fall asleep until well after 2 a.m. because I was sure my head was going to explode. It’s true. I had a shooting pain in my left temple and could feel this intense pressure mounting. (I’ve been afraid of aneurysms ever since I learned how to look up words in the dictionary.) Every time I nodded off, I jerked myself back awake. I guess I don’t think I can die if I’m awake? Don’t know. I tried to explain to the creator that I don’t actually want to die yet even though I keep saying to just off me now seeing as how my life is one big ball of shit. Maybe he listened? Again, don’t know. All I know is I’m alive this morning and that’s good, right?

This is what I do, in case you are not familiar. I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac per say. I just worry incessantly about the Grim Reaper. A few weeks ago when I fell and busted up my face, I was sure of two things: 1) The fall had caused a blood clot so deep in my brain that it would be inoperable, and 2) My nose was broken but since I couldn’t afford to do anything about it, it would eventually heal on its own causing all the cartilage to be damaged, thereby causing the decay of said cartilage and resulting in my nose collapsing sometime in the near or distant future (I still worry this could happen).

Then there was the time in college I was staying over with my boyfriend. I woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him I was going to have an aneurysm (see what I mean about the aneurysm thing?). I think he called me a crazy bitch before he rolled back over. I drove myself to the ER and sat in the waiting room, thinking (logically, of course) that at least I was in the right place if my head was going to blow up. I never even checked in. Just sat there. After a while, the sun started to come up and I felt safe again, so I drove back to my boyfriend’s house and let myself in. He didn’t wake up. Or if he did, he didn’t acknowledge my return. Can’t really say I blame him either way.

I wonder why we broke up?

When I was little, I was petrified of lying on my back in bed because I was sure baseballs were going to rain from the ceiling and crush my chest. I thought that if I slept on my side, the raining baseballs would do less bodily harm. (What are you laughing at?)

Strangely, I don’t worry about common things like burglars and rapists or even the swine flue. You know, the kind of things that are more likely to actually happen.

I worry about things like this: blood suddenly pouring down my walls from the cracks in the ceiling, my door opening of its own accord and a ghost child glaring in at me, my bed taking on a life of its own and levitating, apparitions accosting me in the hallway in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom (I used to have this thing where I had to make it back in the bed, feet up, under the covers, before the toilet finished flushing. Something bad would happen if I didn’t. Luckily, I never found out what because halfway back from the bathroom, I would take a sprinting leap and land on all fours in the middle of the bed before the toilet even had time to finish its twirling. My boyfriend at the time was not fond of this behavior but he didn’t have to live with the dark images so there’s no way he could understand). And, of course, the liver cancer, lung cancer, aneurysms, blood clots. Those kinds of things.

Meanwhile, I skip merrily through a darkened alley looking for ghosts and get my ass snatched, raped, killed, and thrown in a dumpster.

Oops. Didn’t see that one coming.

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