Frantic Emails and Hugs from Strangers

{Blank}
Forwarding blank emails a million times just to see if they go through

Followed by:
Oh, J, my heart is all aching for you and I can’t stand the thought that you might have blocked me or closed your email account.  Everything keeps getting returned.  I don’t understand why.  I’m so sorry if my email came across as insensitive.  I only wanted to make you laugh.  I know it was a horrible situation but I thought I was making light of it.  Upon rereading it, I can clearly see that it was not the right response to send to you in your emotional state.  I hate myself for thinking it was.  I’m so sorry.

And:
I wish I could talk to you.  I’m losing my mind

Also:
Please get this

Then:
I am devastated and feel like the air around me is suffocating me.



HOW IT FEELS NOT TALKING TO YOU:

It feels like suffocating
It feels like drowning
It feels like heavy thick molasses air
It feels like a sturdy rope suddenly severed
It feels like looking into the bottom of a well
It feels like staring into a starless and moonless night sky
Void all the way around
You reach out to the air around you but it’s not air it’s rubber and it’s closing in on you
And it’s squishing you there between it until your heart beats so hard against it
That all of the walls start to vibrate to its rhythm
And then you can’t breathe
And then your heart actually really explodes
And it rains down all around you until your cheeks are hot with tears
And you’re in your car
You say his name over and over again
Then you switch to God’s name
Asking, pleading
DEMANDING
Downright ORDERING

Contact

Just make contact
You plead to him and to God
And the ant crawling along your steering wheel
The leaf on your windshield
The darkness of your car
The greenish glow of your radio dial.
You plead.
Silently
When you pull up to the drive -thru window
Because the kid’s gotta eat
But the kitchen feels like death
Because there’s the table
You sat at when you wrote your things to him
And there’s the speaker on the counter where you played the songs he sent
While you cooked
And the bottle of Jameson you bought just last weekend
Because he likes Jameson and you like him
And that’s what you do when you like someone and oh, god!
You do like him!

Swollen, your eyes
The tears collecting in the bags beneath them
Made more cavernous by the silence
Your cheeks red
Your voice tiny and timid
As you order the kids vanilla frosty and cheeseburger
Hastily wiping your eyes as you pull around to pay
Allergies is what you’ll tell her
She’s going to ask
Only she doesn’t
She says ‘it’s going to be ok’
And closes the window to swipe your card
You don’t believe her but her kindness unleashes
The downpour
And your cup doesn’t just runneth over
It floods
And she’s running out to meet you in the parking lot
Of the drive thru at Wendy’s
On a Tuesday night in the rain
And she opens your car door
You rise to meet her
And throw yourself into her short arms and hold onto her
Hard and long
Your face buried in her shoulder, your stomach heaving in and out
Her hands running circles on your back
“It’s going to be ok it’s going to be ok”
The tears dry and you get back in your car
“I love you” she says
“I love you too” you tell her
Poof
Gone then, back into the hamburger joint
The person at the window hands you the burger and ice cream
And you cruise out into the night
Wondering if that lady knew

You were dying of a broken heart

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