I Feel You

I rule my life by the thing that beats inside my chest.  Sometimes that makes me a fool.  Sometimes it makes me a sage.  I don’t often know which one I will be when I go in any one direction.  I don’t much care.

Maybe that means I will  make foolish mistakes even when I’m old enough to know better.

I never want to be old enough to know better.  I want my bones to be old and brittle and thin and near death and even then I will never stop making foolish mistakes that involve my heart.

It means I get hurt.  It means I love too soon and too hard.  It means life is hard for me so much of the time.

I don’t care.

It also means radiance.  It also means I receive love too soon and too hard.  It also means life is beautiful for me so much of the time.  I can find meaning and beauty everywhere.  You would not believe it if I told you. You’d die to know the places I find beauty and safety and solace.

You’d also die to know the places I see torture and sin and angst.  In me and in you.  In everyone everywhere. In all the dark spaces between love and indifference.  Oh, that horrible place of indifference.  So many people are stuck in there and I want to tear down the walls and free them all but I can’t. 

I love love and I love life even though I am tortured so much of the time.  I would not choose to be untortured ever for no part of any kind of day.

I want this life to torture me.  Spend me.  Chew me up and spit me out, whole or chewed up, it doesn’t matter.  Just render me useless.  Use me all the way up until I can’t be used anymore.

I wasn’t put here to move mountains.  I wasn’t put here to invoke change.  I wasn’t put here to get people to listen. 

I was put here to feel.

I feel it.  I feel you.  I feel you way down at the bottom of my heart where the blood pools and coagulates.  I feel you everywhere all the time.

I feel you so deep down inside me that I am you.

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