Descent

Being a mom is hard as all hell.  There’s no way around that fact.  You never feel like you’re doing it right.  There’s no handbook.  We’re all coming at it from our own broken places.  We swear to ourselves when we hold those tiny hands in ours that we are not going to break our children the way our parents broke us.  And we don’t for a while.  Life is easy when they’re little.  Sure, you’re tired all the time but it’s so goddamn rewarding watching them discover the world.  It’s euphoric.  Your life is complete.  You don’t need anything else but this amazing little person who holds onto you so tightly while they navigate the world.  You are their center of gravity and nothing feels better than that.  You teach them all the things you want them to know like love and kindness and forgiveness.  And they believe you!  You know everything, mama.  You’re the absolute best.  You and your babe are all nice and secure in this cocoon of love you’ve worked so hard to knit together.  You’ve made sure to secure it as tightly as possible so the outside can’t get in.  You don’t want the outside to get in.  Not yet.  Not until you’ve built his foundation out of steel so that when the world tries to break him, because they’re going to try to break him, they won’t be able to.  He will be unbreakable and he will know all the love and goodness and he will walk out into the world and the world will not hurt him or bend him.

But then.

Before you’ve had a chance to add all the extra layers you want to add, that little boy starts scratching at the cocoon.  Just a little at a time.  He starts to notice things.  He sees you now when you cry and he wants to know why. He hears the change in the tone of your voice and he understands what it means now.  He sees you slam the pantry door when you’re angry and pretty soon he slams doors too.  You try to tell him, mama is wrong for doing that, that’s not how we deal with anger.  But then you do it again and so does he. 

And you never wanted him to see the things you saw 
when you were a kid 
so you swore he never would.  

But then,

It’s 3 in the morning
you saw him texting her on his phone 
and it’s 3:05 in the goddamn morning 
and you’re laying right beside him and his kid is in the other room
For fucks sake!
Why is he texting her at 3:10 in the goddamn morning?!
He tells you he’s leaving and you beg, 
plead, 
yell,
demand that he doesn’t;
not because you want him to stay
you were planning to jump ship yourself later when the kid was stronger;
but because you have worked so hard nobody knows how hard you’ve worked
to create this life for this kid and you’ve been holding it all together for so long
HOW DARE YOU get to decide when.
You
emotionally
physically
spiritually
BANKRUPT MOTHER FUCKER.

I wish to god I’d never laid eyes on you;
except i did lay eyes on you and I got the kid out of the deal 
so THANKS FOR THAT.
Sincerely,
and from the bottom of my heart.

But I sold my goddamn soul 
for too many long years
trying to fix you;
you let me do everything 
without even an offer of help.
I put you through school,
took care of all of the things,
bills, 
laundry, 
yard work,
dishes.
you still couldn’t pass the fucking test.
I don’t even care anymore. 

but you fucking broke me that night 
when the kid woke up and saw ME
his mama, his best mama
pleading and sobbing
in the middle of the hallway floor.
and the fear in his eyes when he looked at me….
oh god. 
The fear in his eyes. 
Of me. 
The fear of the only world he’s ever known
Crumbling
all down around him

I blame you
and I’ll hate you forever
That shit is going to stain his soul
So FUCK YOU
Sincerely,

and from the bottom of my heart

And now

There’s a hole in the cocoon
and he’s got both legs out.  
You (mama) are frantically trying to sew it back up 
but he’s seen things now
and he knows more than he should 
and it’s all your fault, mama.  
You thought the world was going to break him, mama
You stupid fucking bitch, mama.
You broke him, mama.  
 
you did that.  
you broke him.  

You swore you never would
So FUCK YOU
Sincerely,
and from the bottom of your own shitty heart

And now it’s a Monday morning before Christmas and you are yelling at him about an orange and green shirt and you’re not worth the fucking foundation you thought you were so carefully constructing.  You don’t deserve to be the guardian of his soul.  

But you’re all he’s got and you’re so tired

And you won’t know until he grows up
if you’ve fucked everything up or not.

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