Love Kool-Aid

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
“Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”
“Don’t be someones second choice.”

Why not? How come? What if I don’t mind?

Oh, that’s right. I forgot. I’m supposed to set boundaries and junk. If I don’t set boundaries, I might get triggered and if I get triggered it’s game over.
Game Over, Bitches.

Sometimes I think we’ve all gone a bit overboard with all these rules regarding our hearts and emotions. I mean, sure, we can’t go running around naked and crazed all over town looking for you after you’ve declared us unworthy of your special Love Kool-Aid. That would just be uncouth and embarrassing. Especially at our advanced age. We should have figured out by now how to have a little decorum and not be tempted to take the electric razor to our luscious locks like Britney Spears circa 2007. But come on! Even 36 almost 42 year olds still dream of tattooing your name in hearts across their lady parts. We’d never do it, of course. Definitely not….
Probably not….
I’m not saying yes but I’m not saying no either.

Listen, just because we’re old and have hips that go out on the regular (even in our sleep) doesn’t mean we don’t feel all the feelings our 22 year old selves felt when our hips didn’t lie and we could shake them better than Shakira.

I know! I know, I know, I know.
Boundaries are important.
Triggers are bad.
Got it.

I’m not going to drive to the middle of the map and show up at your doorstep with a caramel apple I made from scratch and a carving of your name in clay for Valentine’s Day.
I’m not!
Besides, I already tried that and you thought I was batshit insane and that was only one day after we’d said goodbye to each other and were still in love. Or so I thought. Imagine your reaction now! Hilarious!

In all seriousness, this composure stuff has gotten way out of hand. I’m not really interested in keeping my composure all that much when my heart has been ground up and turned into shredded beef and left discarded on the butcher table for the flies to lay their eggs in. It doesn’t really interest me to pretend like I’m not just standing over there in the corner staring at my stringy heart, all bloody and broken and prone to decay after you so carelessly tossed it aside.

I’d really like to write a 12 page poem for you and call you on your cell phone and read it to you in slow motion and freeze time in that instant so you can’t answer the 400 incoming texts from all the women who are hoping you will pick them; or take the 57 phone calls from your female co-worker who can’t get over the way you foraged in her forest last night and found her lost treasure – a gift just for you from the Universe between her thighs. That would probably feel like eternal hell for you, having to listen to some not-quite-perfect woman you once thought the world of, wax poetic about all the ways you broke her in half while the multitudes of other, more better, women are just waiting for your voice in their ears to tell them all the ways you’re going to make them see all the colors of the rainbow when your fingertips just barely graze their erect nipples through the flimsy fabric of their t-shirts.

Forgive me if composure and sensibility and pomp and circumstance are not wells from which I can draw from at the moment.

Love is everything we are but mostly what we don’t want the other to see.

I saw you.

I don’t have it in me to get over you yet. I know I should. My brain understands this is a dead end and I need to turn around and start walking back the way I came. My heart, though. My heart just keeps pushing on this brick wall in front of me, hoping beyond hope the love stored inside it will be enough to make the bricks crumble all down around me and you’ll be standing there on the other side.

Love is the good bad ugly dirt underneath your fingernails and a fresh coat of paint on top.

A shattered heart is a jigsaw puzzle and every time the pieces get all mixed up and put back together, a different portrait appears.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
“Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”
“Don’t be someones second choice.”

I don’t want to live in a world where the only time we give grace is when we receive it.
I don’t want to live in a world where the only time we swim across shark infested water is if someone else does it first.
I don’t want to live in a world where we don’t understand that sometimes being second is better than being first.

So why not? How come? And what if I don’t mind?

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