The universe is trying to convince me you’re never coming back, you’re not out there and you deleted me from your life because you wanted to.  I’m really struggling to believe otherwise today.  I keep waiting for it to pass but it’s lingering.

Forgive me.

I’m sorry to burden you with my insecurities but I have them.  They’ve been talking to me all day and I can’t get them to shut the hell up.

Maybe I’m not as unflappable as you once believed me to be.

Do you remember saying that?  “You seem unflappable to me.”

It was when Max had the flu.

Maybe you chose the wrong word that day.

I’m far from unflappable.

I’m fragile and broken.

But I’m also not ready to give up on you.  I’m not giving up on you no matter how loudly the universe yells at me.  She can scream at me and throw baseballs at my head.  I’m not covering my ears or ducking.  My ear drums may collapse and my skull may crumble.

My heart can still feel you.

Maybe I am unflappable after all.

Or really, really fucking stupid.

Either way, you need to come back now and bring me your crumpled up body and your worn out bones and let me love the shit out them while there’s still time.  Or at least let me be friends with them.  I’m a great friend!  I promise I won’t try to touch you inappropriately or rub my boob on your arm or anything like that.  Hands to myself at all times.  I will not wipe that bit of caramel off your mouth and lick my finger afterwards.  I will not sit too close to you on the subway or stare at you dreamily while you’re reading a book or ordering your french fries.  I won’t take your arm when we’re crossing the street or try to kiss you when you read me that poem you found.  I mean…of course I won’t try to kiss you.  Nope, not me.

I will, however, send you cool shit for your birthday and all major holidays.  I’ll listen to you when you need to vent.  I will talk to you when you’re sad.  I’ll make you laugh when you need cheering up or even when you don’t.  I’ll read the books you recommend or watch the movies or listen to the music.  I’ll go to concerts with you and book signings and hole-in-the-wall shows. I’ll  talk to you about art and current events but only about politics if it’s really necessary.  And you can tell me all about your favorite baseball team and I’ll probably watch a game with you now and again.  I can do all that without jumping your bones.  I swear.  

But first.  Listen to Townes.  He knows what he’s talking about

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